life – jordana lee bennett

Lies Depression & Anxiety Tell Me

Anxiety and depression are thieves. They steal my confidence, my will to keep going. They tell me that no one cares what I have to say, that I’m not enough, that I’m stupid. They tell me my ambitions and goals are unreachable, that I should just stop trying.

Some days I am a confident supermom and wife. I don’t have my shit completely together, but I’m okay with who I am and actually enjoy life.

Other days I fall apart. I’m not as comfortable showing those days, especially on social media. I’ve become an expert at hiding the pain and unreasonable worries, but sometimes they feel like they’re leaking out of a hole deep in my belly. Sometimes I can almost visualize it.

The thing is, I know those things aren’t true, but knowing is only half the battle. It still hurts to think about these things and when they’re repeated in my head over and over again, it’s easy to kind of believe them.

So I started a list to remind myself that they are indeed lies and why they’re not true. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but I wanted to share a few that I think might be common, in case it helps someone else feel less alone.

Lies Depression & Anxiety Tell Me

You’re not doing enough for your child. This is probably the most ridiculous lie that I tell myself and mostly a result from playing the comparison game. (“That kid knows more words than Emerson…. she’s already potty-training…I should be spending more quality time helping further his development…”) I’m working 29 hours a week from home while being a full-time mom PLUS trying to keep up with this blog. The other day I took a shower at midnight because that was literally the only time I had a moment to myself. I’m doing the best I can and one day Emerson will understand and appreciate that.
Nobody cares what you have to say. Why do you think you’re so special? Maybe not everybody cares what I have to say, but some people certainly do. I don’t have to be the most insightful or interesting person at all times in order to use my voice. My opinion is valuable.
You’ll never be the cool mom or the cool wife. You kill everyone’s buzz. This is something I started struggling with way before I was a wife or mom. It’s taken me a long time to realize that I don’t have to be the laid-back, spontaneous, and care-free “cool girl” all the time to be deserving of love. I’m allowed to feel nervous or not want to go out all the time. I’m allowed to be angry. Sometimes I’m emotional and that’s okay too.
You sound dumb when you speak up at work. You clearly don’t know what you’re doing and everyone can see that. This thought stems from being an introvert in an extroverted world. In any job I’ve had, I’m always nervous at meetings that are supposed to be brainstorming sessions and less structured professional discussions. I like to have time to think things through and prepare. But I was hired for a reason. I do have important things to contribute and shouldn’t be afraid to speak up.
Your friends don’t actually care about you. They’re just being nice to your face. I know in my heart that this isn’t true, but it creeps into my head from time to time, especially as I’ve gotten older and all my closest friends live far away or have children or careers. It’s natural to drift apart or not talk everyday. Communication works both ways and I shouldn’t feel anxious to reach out on my end.

Anxiety and depression have been a constant battle for me and probably will continue to be. I like to think of this list as a of a quick reference guide for me to look back on when I need to rationalize the irrational thoughts in my head. I’m publishing it because I feel like it’s important to be vulnerable sometimes with the world, especially when social media is full of everyone’s highlight reel. I hope you found this helpful and if you struggle with similar thoughts, I encourage you to make your own list. I found it pretty therapeutic to actually answer myself. xx

This might turn into a photography blog…

I honestly thought that was what my college years were for and that I would have my shit together by now, but I was very, very wrong. College gave me a clear-cut path for what my life was supposed to be. It gave me structure with deadlines, course catalogs, assignments, applications, schedules, and attendance policies. And then I graduated, got married, went on my honeymoon, looked around at all my choices and said, “okay, now what?” And the universe gave me white noise.

I’m not even going to try to come up with excuses for why it’s been so long since I’ve posted on here. Shit happens. I’m trying to get it together. And this is probably mostly going to be me rambling, because I haven’t written in awhile. I’m sorry in advance.

My quarter-life crisis is in full effect, which means I’m constantly looking for new and exciting ways to fill my time, even though I have very little free time. I guess it’s not really to fill my time as much as it is to find some sort of purpose in my life. There’s been a reoccurring theme since turning 23 in which I decide I really want to do this or be that or go here or try this new something, and then I realize: I hate all of those things. Those things are not for me. Better try this new thing.

Continue reading “This might turn into a photography blog…”

Fifteen of My Favorite Feelings (As Told by My Instagram Feed)

1. When I wake up too early on a Sunday, but there’s soft light filtering through the blinds, so I get up to watch the sunrise, drink coffee, and listen to the silence before the rest of the world wakes up.

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A post shared by Jordana Bennett (@jordanaleebennett)

25 Goals for My 25th Year

Last night, my husband and I were discussing our future. (Casual, I know.) He suggested we each make lists of goals we want to accomplish within the next ten years. Not going to lie, the idea of that freaks me out. Ten years is such an intimidatingly long time. And the idea of writing down things like, “buy a house” or “have babies” gives me much more anxiety the older I get. But since my birthday is a little less than two weeks away, I figured setting mini goals for my 25th year of life wouldn’t be the worst idea. I started my quarter-life crisis at 24 so I’m hoping turning 25 will be slightly more graceful.

The most random blog post you’ll probably ever read.

So, elephant in the room: it’s been awhile…

I’ve noticed I do this thing where if my life isn’t going well, I shut down. I’ve heard of fitness bloggers or people who are dieting that do something similar when they have a bad week. They fall off the wagon, don’t workout for a week, splurge on pizza, and feel like giving up on their diet altogether. I take that to an extreme. If everything in my life isn’t going well, the voice in my head decides, “Screw it. Why bother chasing any dreams at all? Oh, you don’t have your dream job yet? Forget your diet or travel plans. You feel behind in life? What’s the point of finishing this book you’ve been wanting to read for months? Don’t write in your journal. Don’t blog. You have nothing worth writing about anyway.” It snowballs. The longer I wait to workout or write in my journal, the longer it goes on.

Negative thoughts and actions are contagious. But so are positive ones. Continue reading “The most random blog post you’ll probably ever read.”

A Photo An Hour | Saturday, August 2nd

I’ve been stalking various blogs this week for a little inspiration and came across the “a photo an hour” trend. I’m already obsessed. Google it and you’ll see what I mean. I attempted to do my own yesterday, taking a photo (sometimes two because I’m a rebel like that) every hour from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. This post might end up being completely boring, but I think it’s an interesting way to get to know someone. So come hang out with me on a typical Saturday. Continue reading “A Photo An Hour | Saturday, August 2nd”

I am my mother’s daughter.

In honor of my mom visiting this weekend, I thought I’d reflect on the life lessons I’ve learned from her in my life so far. It’s funny how things we learned in childhood become stronger as we get older. I appreciate everything my parents did to shape me now more than ever before. I am my mother’s daughter and proud of it. The following are the most important lessons I’ve picked up from her: Continue reading “I am my mother’s daughter.”

How I Stay Positive

Let me say right off the bat that I can only speak about my own experiences. I’m not a fan of articles with lists that tell people how to BE happy, as if there were some magical formula for happiness. I’m not here to preach religion or exercise or some new age book that you need to go out and buy. This is what works for me. If anything, this post is more for me, because sometimes I forget how to be happy. I’ve struggled with mild to moderate depression and anxiety since I was thirteen. Continue reading “How I Stay Positive”

Lessons I’ve Learned as a Newlywed (So Far)

photo 2 (8)

The first thing everyone asks when you get married and come home from your honeymoon is, “how’s married life?” If, like me, you were already in a committed, long-term, monogamous relationship and living together you don’t really know what to say. You might feel relief from the stress of wedding planning and possibly a bit more touchy-feely after vacationing with your best friend, but at that point everything is pretty much the same. My husband and I were inseparable since the moment we met four years before we got married. We fell in love fast and hard, which goes against everything I’ve ever believed about love and lasting relationships, but nearly five years of the most incredible love story I’ve ever known have proved me wrong so far. Continue reading “Lessons I’ve Learned as a Newlywed (So Far)”